8ROAD APPLES
4Back: #1
- Cup of Joy
<<Side Bar>> Turn on your sound. Really cute.
My uncle Bill was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layer hens, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Uncle Bill kept records. Any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot. Now this took an awful lot of time. Uncle Bill got a set of tiny bells with different tones, and attached them to his roosters. He could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.
His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not
rung all morning. Uncle Bill went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. This way he'd sneak up on a pullet, have his fun and walk on to the next one. Uncle Bill was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was a sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise.
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- Firing Squad
Bill Clinton is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again the squad falls Apart and Kerry slips over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see a pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, He does his smirk and yells, "Fire".
8ROAD APPLES
- Guinea Pig Harem Says "Hello Sooty"
ONE NIGHT STAND!A GUINEA pig called "Sooty" had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunnelling into a cage of 24 females!
He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of 43 offspring.Staff at "Little Friend's Farm" in Pontypridd, South Wales, have now secured Sooty's pen ~ and begun looking for homes for the guinea pigs.His owner, Carol Feehan 42, said: "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy. We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage. We looked for him everywhere but never thought of checking the pen where we keep 24 females. We did a head count and found 25 guinea pigs ~ Sooty was fast asleep in the corner, and was absolutely exhausted. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days!!"You live in California when . . .
-You make over $250,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
-The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
-The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
-You know how to eat an artichoke.
-You drive to your neighborhood block party.
-When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will
take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You live in New York when . . .
-You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
-You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
-You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle
to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.-You think Central Park is "nature."
-You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes
you multi-lingual.-You've worn out a car horn.
-You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You live in Alaska when . . .
-You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
-Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
-You have more than one recipe for moose.
-Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
-The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You live in the South when . . .
-You get a movie and bait in the same store.
-"ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
-After a year of living in the same place you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"-"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
-Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Fay Nell
You live in Colorado when . . .
-You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
-You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care
center.-A pass does not involve a football or dating.
-The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when . . .
-You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
-Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
-You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
-You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
-When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."
- Ole & Sven
Two Minnesota lads walked into a pet shop near Brainerd.
They headed to the bird section and Sven said to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner came over and asked if he could help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," said Sven.
The owner put the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven paid for the birds, left the shop and got into Sven's pick-up and drove to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looked down at the 1000 foot drop and said, "Dis looks like a grand place." He took two birds out of the bag, put them on his shoulders and jumped off the cliff.
Ole watched as Sven fell all the way to the bottom, killing himself. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shook his head and said, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrived up at the cliffs. He'd been to the pet shop, too, and walked up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He took a parrot from the bag and threw himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute took the gun and shot the parrot. Knute continued to plummet down and down until he hit the bottom and broke every bone in his body.
Ole shook his head and said, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!
Ole was just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Larson appeared. He'd also been to the pet shop and was carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulled a chicken. Larson grasped the chicken by the legs, held it over his head, and hurled himself off the cliff and disappeared down and down until he hit a rock and broke his spine.
Once more Ole just shook his head. "First der was Sven Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrot shooting, and, now, Larson is hen gliding!
